20 toxic fallacies

It occasionally saddens me and frequently annoys the hell out of me that I am subjected to most mind-rotting, intellectual pabulum in the universe on a daily basis.  I am not even constantly glued to Fox News, or the Daily Mail, or ITV, yet I am besieged with numerous occurrences of dodgy memes and cultural fallacies, which cause me no end of grumpiness.  These choice nuggets of stupidity and stereotyping get rehashed by the unimaginative writers of advert storylines, news articles, TV shows and films so that one assumption about a person/population/gender percolates into all other areas of entertainment and advertising. Eventually, it becomes so pervasive it grows into a chunk of the cultural narrative and sticks to everything like a stubborn fungal infection.

These choice nuggets of shit then worm their way into pop-psychology and even start to influence how we report scientific research about the human condition.

When I am slumped on the sofa watching the telly, or in the dentist’s waiting room reading whatever crumpled magazines I care to rifle through, these toxic fallacies can catch me off guard and take root in my own mind while my critical thinking capabilities are momentarily stymied by lethargy, apathy or images of someone’s cellulite.  Gender stereotyping in this fashion is particularly grimy and seems to be so utterly pervasive I have allowed it to wash over me and sometimes I completely miss when it is happening, suggesting that these particular fallacies have sinisterly taken root in my mind like triphids.

So, in a bid to be more mindful of toxic gender fallacies that mock my otherwise critical and rational mind on a daily basis I have listed my top 10 idiotic Weapons of Mass Assumption (WMAs) for each gender. I promise to remember these WMAs when I am next in the firing line of some badly written media that purports to entertain and inform, but actually just shits all over me.

The Girls

1)   We are all gripped by the iron fist of vanity. Honestly, we take so long to get ready you would be forgiven for thinking we had fallen asleep at our toilette.  We are a narcissistic bunch, who love our mirrors more than we love you (if you happen to be a man). Any of you (unless you’re David Gandy).

2)   We are all suckers for handbags…..

And shoes and clothes and jewelry and sparkly things and cute things and PINK THINGS and LIP GLOSS!

3)   We are all so nice to each other on the surface but we gossip and bitch behind each other’s backs.  We are two-faced. No doubt about it. That’s why it takes us so long to put make-up on. It’s a harsh existence.

4)   Our interests are limited to the contents of beauty/gossip/fashion magazines.

War in Syria? Stem cell research? The demise of Nick Clegg? Please people I am trying to read Grazia!

5)   Our bodies exist for the sexual/visual enjoyment of others.

6)   If we aren’t sex objects then we are struggling mothers or hard-nosed, selfish career women. Or WAGS. Or a pleasant mixture of all the aforementioned.

7)   We are all planning our weddings, whether engaged or not, and we are all choosing baby names for the multiple children we are going to have with men once we’ve won one.

8)   If we’re not interested in weddings/babies/baking then we are probably cynical and snobbish and not very nice.

9)   If we manage get a man to fall in love with us and change our titles to Mrs it will be the single greatest achievement of our lives until we have children. Motherhood and legally endorsed spousal attachment trump any other achievements including PhDs, feats of sporting endurance, charitable works, business ventures and Nobel prizes.  Being told we are loveable is by far the greatest award.

10)  We haven’t achieved much throughout history. No really, all those useful inventions and discoveries came from the boys because, let’s be honest, we were too busy planning weddings, having babies and choosing wallpaper to give a fuck.

The Boys

1)   You all love sport. If you don’t you’re probably gay. If you’re gay and love sport then there’s probably something wrong with you. If you’re gay or straight and love sport then you’re such a typical guy.  Can’t you have any other interests? No.

2)   You’re crap at housework.

Don’t try to deny it.  All those adverts for flash and Dettol and Febrize show your wives and mothers making the house smell nice for you, because you are crap. You don’t know how cleaning products work you tragic, dim-witted shits.

3)   You are all cynical arseholes who hate your mothers-in-law.  You are incapable of having nice chats, liking Disney films and enjoying bubble baths. Remember you are ‘men’

4)   You’d rather be down the pub with your mates.

Yes I know that sounds quite reasonable but that’s all you ever want from life. That and football. And birds.

5)   You have the emotional capacities of five year olds.

6)   You are gadget/technology/car obsessed particularly when in the throes of midlife crises. Don’t deny it! You use iPods to soothe your sexual frustrations and make your penises seem larger!

7)   You can’t handle women earning more than you or being in charge. Ah! Ssh! Nope! Stop! Just accept it.

8)   You only fancy fit birds with tiny arses and massive tits and hair extensions. If she aint got ’em out then she aint for you. You simply can't stomach normal looking women. They are sent to Earth by Satan to deflect you from your quest

9)    You are all obsessed by the size of your penises. Honestly, it is all you guys think about. War in Syria? Stem cell research? The demise of Nick Clegg? Please people you have issues here!

10)  You all need looking after. You need women to act like your mothers because you are crap at domestic chores and being emotionally self-sufficient. But you don’t want us to acknowledge this because it might bruise your fragile egos. Awww.